A Fresh Start

I’m feeling really positive at the moment, although on the surface, nothing has really changed in my circumstances. I’m currently looking for a new challenge - ideally, part-time work, which would allow me to contribute more consistently to the household expenses, while still being able to write, and spend time with the dog. I don’t like doing things by halves, but over the past few years I’ve spread myself so thin that I was dropping the ball on absolutely everything.

My New Year’s Resolution last year was to ‘cook more with orzo’. I did that, and enjoyed it, but it wasn’t really adding anything to my life in a meaningful way. This year, I have two. One - to listen to my gut, always, and two - not to watch any television before 6pm on weeknights.

I don’t really watch that much television, anyway - Tom and I have incompatible taste, which makes it a very good thing that we are both boardgame people - but setting myself this hard and fast rule has meant I’ve been productive in other areas. It’s made me really happy, like I’m honouring myself in a way that I really hadn’t been last year.

I owe gratitude to two authors, and books that I’ve been immersing myself in recently - Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project, and Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way. I think it’s a real gift and a talent when someone can impart advice, through writing, in the voice of a kind and knowledgable friend.

The one practical thing I spent the first working week of January doing was a mass decluttering. I meticulously and methodically went through every single drawer, cupboard and shelf in my apartment, and for the first time since we bought this house I know where everything is. It’s made me excited to wake up, sit and my desk, and start plugging away, something I found impossible to do last year. I think it’s important to own up to your demons, and call a spade a spade, but last year was a struggle. I spent too much time trying to please others, and ended up spiralling into a constant feeling of self-loathing when I felt I wasn’t meeting expectations. It feels so selfish at first, doing what you want to do, and living your life the way you want it to be, but it’s essential.

It feels completely bizarre, to be in the worst financial position I think I’ve ever been in my life - and to have taken a step back from the career ladder that I sacrificed so much for - but this week, when I was clearing out my cutlery drawer, I thought I never felt as more sure in myself or as confident as this in my whole life. There’s a proverb I often think of - 七転び八起き, which means ‘fall seven times, stand up eight’. I’m sure this isn’t the last hurdle, but at least, for the time being, I feel like I’ve stopped falling.